NARRATOR: History abounds in stories of men
who rose to meet the challenge of destiny.
Brave men touched by the fire and passion of revolution.
This is a story torn from the romantic and violent pages of history.
A true story of two noble brothers,
of the bond of sympathy that united them,
and of their devotion to a just cause.
Their daring adventures have been too long unremembered,
perhaps because they did not seek personal glory.
But, on this bright summer day in Paris, fate is about to take a hand.
Non! Non!
Non!
(FEEDBACK)
One... two...
(LOUD ROCK MUSIC TO THE TUNE OF "LADY MARMALADE")
# Woolly bully, please shave your jaws, fromage
# Woolly bully, please shave your jaws
# Woolly bully, please shave your jaws, fromage
# Eggs and bacon, marmalade
Everybody!
# Woolly bully, please shave your jaws, fromage
- Come on, everybody! - (SHOUTING IN FRENCH)
# Woolly bully, please shave your jaws, fromage
# Eggs and bacon, marmalade
CHEECH: Come on, everybody dance now!
(FEEDBACK)
(LOUD GUITAR SOLO)
Any more? Any more money?
(MUSIC STOPS)
All right, got it!
(MIMICS ELVIS) OK, sonny, go in there and check security.
(MIMICS ELVIS) All righty. Coast clear.
I think I'll sit... there.
Monsieur Schmengoid! Seafood plate.
No wonder Elvis never toured over here. They don't speak English.
(NORMAL VOICE) How much money did we make today?
We made a pile today.
What's a schmengy worth today?
I don't know. But don't you love it, man?
In America, they'd arrest us for playing on the street. Here, they pay us to leave.
That's culture, Hoss. Don't you forget it.
Hey.
- What's this? - It's what you ordered. Seafood plate.
Seafood plate? Get it out of here.
Go on, the King's allergic.
Can't eat clams unless they're attached to something.
We've revolutionised rock, man. Do you know how many places we haven't played
- where they won't want us? - A revolutionary thought.
Rock and roll, man, that's what's gonna change the world.
People think there'll be a revolution. It's gonna be a music revolution. Rock'n'roll.
You! You have the mark.
Your arm.
Your lip! You have the mark.
He has the mark, you have the mark. Are you brothers?
(MIMICS ELVIS) Yeah. We're the Marx Brothers.
I have something so important to tell you.
But first I need money.
- Ah, give her some money. - It's coming...
It's coming...
I need more money. It's coming...
Give her some more money, she'll come quicker.
Money, more money. OK. I'll tell you the first part.
She'll tell us the first part.
A long time ago,
on an island far, far away...
Even before their birth, the brothers' lives were marked by irony and intrigue.
Their father was a rich and powerful aristocrat,
and, had it not been for a romantic indiscretion of his passionate young wife,
our heroes might have been raised as gentlemen,
and we would have no story to tell.
Boiling water. Basins of it. Le chaud, le chaud. Go away!
(WAILING)
(WAILS AND MOANS)
NURSE: Widen it!
(WAILING CONTINUES)
NURSE: You can see the hole.
WOMAN: Pull! And get the bar behind!
- Full it out right... now! - Ow!
Push!
And push! Push!
Push! Work at it.
Push! Push!
Fine! Now pull! Pull! Pull! Pull!
We made it!
Thank God for that.
Oh, my God!
(SCREAMS)
(CHILD CRIES AND WAILS)
(DEEP-VOICED MAN CRIES AND WAILS)
(CRYING AND WAILING CONTINUES)
(SHRIEKS)
Despite the tragic loss of their fathers,
Lucien and Louis, as they were called,
spent a happy childhood humbly raised as peasants.
Mine. Mine. Mine!
Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.
Mine.
(WAILS)
Mine. Mine. Mine.
Ow. (WAILS)
Mine! Mine!
Mine! Mine! Mine!
(GURGLING WAIL)
Their humble upbringing could not disguise the fact
that these were no ordinary peasants.
They betrayed their origins by a bond of sympathy so extraordinary
that each could feel the joy or pain of the other in his place.
And, as the years passed,
this would prove to be a heavy load to bear.
I'm going to the market. But now, you boys be good.
BOTH: Yes, Nanny.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Aarsh! Argh!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
(CHUCKLES)
You donkey! Ow!
(WAILS)
Shut up, ape. We gotta think of a story.
OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
A dragon came by...
Yeah. OK, OK, OK.
A dragon came by and he breathed on the house...
- And caught it on fire. - And it caught on fire. Yeah, yeah.
- And then we killed it. - Yeah... No, no.
- We were gonna kill it. - Yeah. Gonna kill it.
- But it flew away. - It flew away, then we killed it.
Then we killed it. OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
- And we were putting out the fire. - Yeah. We were gonna put out the fire...
- And the Gypsies stole us! - Yeah.
Just before we put out the fire, the Gypsies stole us. Yeah. OK, OK, OK.
- And then they took us across the river. - Yeah.
And they killed us. No, no. They were gonna kill us.
Yeah. They were gonna kill us. They tied us up with a golden chain.
- But then we killed them! - Yeah. With-with a guitar.
- Yeah, yeah. We killed them all. - Cos they were gonna come home
and kill everybody at home.
OK, OK. OK, OK.
- They'll believe that. OK. - Yeah.
- OK, let's go home. - Yeah.
- Hey, where you going? - I'm going home.
- No. No, home's this way. - No. Home's this way.
- You're stupid. Home's this way. - You're cuckoo. It's that way.
- Afraid not! - 'Fraid so!
- 'Fraid not! - 'Fraid so!
'Fraid not!
- Meet you at home. - Home's that way.
- I'll be there before you. - You'll get lost.
- 'Fraid not. - Wait and see.
(SINGS "LA CUCARACHA")
This looks like the place.
Hello?
Anybody home?
Nanny?
Hello?
Where is everybody?
Hello?
All right, one move and you're dead. Who are you and what are you doing here?
I came home. I used to live here with my brother.
You're lying. I used to live here with my brother.
- Lucien! - Yes?
It's me! Louis!
Don't you recognise me?
- I'm your brother Louis! - You're lying. My brother wasn't Mexican.
- Look! It's me! - Ow!
- Louis! - Lucien!
Louis! Louis!
Where did you go?
I, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
I got captured by Gypsies.
And, um... and, uh... they took me to... to Mexico.
- You're lying. You got lost. - I didn't get lost.
- You did. - The Gypsies captured me.
I've been living in Mexico all this time.
You look great. But you look so... so Mexican!
Well, yeah. I'm a big landowner there now.
They call me Don Louis. Except for when I'm mad, they call me Crab Louis.
It's a Mexican joke.
You look... you look terrible. What's goin' on around here? Where is everybody?
We've fallen into terrible times since you left, my brother.
Evil men rule the country. All our people are either dead or in jail.
These evil men, they... they rape the fields and pillage the women.
That's evil men.
Indeed, there were only two things a French peasant could count on:
death and taxes.
And, given the sometimes overzealous methods of the tax collectors,
one often preceded the other.
It's good to be back in the woods. It's so peaceful.
(SIGHS)
- It's poison oak, my brother. - Yeah.
Oh.
Hey.
Hey, brother?
Hello?
You would have been dead, buddy.
- What are you doing? - Practising for the revolution.
- With a potato? - Ah, but not just a potato.
Look at this.
Get down!
What was that?
A bombe de terre.
In back of every murderous deed was the evil Fuckaire.
My little Poofter.
You must not soil your delicate little paws with this dirty peasant.
Eh, Poofter? We know what he has been doing, eh?
He has been stealing a log from the royal forest.
He tell me it is for his hovel, to warm his starving children.
Mon dieu, if you believe that, you'll believe something. I know what it is for.
It is to make weapons.
And he should know that weapons are forbidden in my kingdom.
Or at least the queen's kingdom.
(CHUCKLES)
Or so she thinks, eh?
My lovely little Poofter. Give me a kiss.
Mon dieu! Halitosis, eh?
Non!
Non! Non!
My friend, you see we are so considerate to you dirty peasants.
We have brought your wife to join you for company. Are you sitting comfortably?
(GROANS)
You are?
We can't have that. Stretch his legs wider.
- (PEASANT MOANS) - Wider.
You ever had a taco?
I guess they don't have tacos in France.
I remember one time at this restaurant I used to work at... I mean, own...
they had a contest to see who could eat the most.
I ate 143. And I was still hungry.
But they had to close the restaurant.
I'm so hungry I could eat a bowl of lard with a hair in it.
Here, puppy!
Mon dieu! My God!
I have been hit with shit!
Allez! Vite! Vite! Vite!
Poofter, did you see what happened?
Poofter? Oh, my God! Where is my little Poofter?
Oh, I mustn't lose my Poofter!
Excuse me. I am so sorry to bother you when you are so busy,
but have you seen my Poofter? No? Oh, my God.
No, no, no, don't come back! Look for my Poofter! (WAILS)
There's a lot of meat on one of these little suckers.
I wonder if he wants any. Hey, puppy.
Come on. Come on.
There we go. Hey, you like it? That tastes good?
This guy's a vicious little dog, man. Goes right for the throat.
What a hunter. We ought to keep him around all the time.
He belongs to Fuckaire. No wonder he's so vicious.
That reminds me, we'd better keep our eye out.
Fuckaire's men will be out here looking for him.
Hey, puppy. Hey, puppy. Hey.
Sorry, my brother. I should have known better.
Hey, don't worry. We just got their dog. What's the most they can do to us?
Hey, man, this is not going to be so bad after all.
This is like a country club.
Must be some of the other inmates. Hey, brother, let's not get into a gang.
That complicates things. Let's keep our noses clean, do our time and get out.
Oh, wow! Co-ed!
Hey, this is not going to be so bad after all.
Man, this ain't one of those prisons where they cut your hair?
Did you see that?
(SHOUTING IN FRENCH)
- Easy, my brother. - What?
Look at these people. They envy us.
Hey, you wanna be me? I'll trade places with you.
We're about the same size.
Look, look, I'm sorry.
This is all a big mistake. Come on, man, we can work something out.
Fuckaire! Fuckaire!
We thank you for allowing us the opportunity
to show our people how real men die.
You may kill us, Fuckaire, but you will never kill the revolution.
I am Corsican. I am not afraid to die.
- (CHEERING) - Bravo!
Allez! Allez!
Bravo, bravo.
What a great pity that such noble words...
should be your last words.
Can I say something for a minute?
I'm Mexican, and I'm afraid to die.
I wanna live!
We didn't do nothing to your dog. We didn't kidnap him, man. We found him.
You should be thankful, man. You should be giving us a reward.
But we'll let it go and let bygones be bygones.
Be brave, my brother. Let me be the first to die for the revolution.
Let him be the first to die! Sure, be the first to die.
Wait a minute. They cut his head off, I'm gonna feel the pain. Wait a minute.
(CROWD CHANT) Corsican! Corsican! Corsican! Corsican!
Corsican! Corsican!
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
Ooh, there he is. There he is.
- Where? - There.
Arrétte!
Silence!
My friends,
you dirty... you peasants,
I have decided in my great mercy...
because I am so tenderhearted...
to spare the lives of these brothers Corsican.
Hope of liberation floated in the air.
But even as the brothers made their bold ascendancy to heroism,
the missing pieces of their complex destiny were now falling into place.
Their manly virtues were observed by the Queen's lovely daughters,
who hid their affections behind a veil of royal upbringing.
(WHIP CRACKS)
He's the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen in my life.
I think I'm in love. I'm going to write him a love letter.
Well, all of that fresh air has certainly given me an appetite.
Petit déjeuner.
These strawberries certainly look good.
(GERMAN ACCENT) Mutter, let the taster do his job.
I never get to eat.
Sis, help me. What should I say?
Oh, what a pity you missed the end. Three such delightful executions.
Such blood, such vomit. Enjoying your breakfast? Oh.
(CHUCKLES)
I see you've not eaten your strawberries.
I got them for you specially. They are so good for you.
For him they are not so good.
He's allergic to strawberries.
Fuckaire, we all know what you're doing. We are not blind!
Yes, I know what you mean.
I too am disappointed that I had to spare the lives of these Corsican brothers.
Nothing more I wanted than their deaths.
But, you see, they seem so popular with the crowd.
But don't worry.
I have something in store for them will make the guillotine look like child's play.
You're disgusting! Vile!
Horrible! Cruel! Perverted!
Perverted!
Perverted! Ah! That is the one I wanted to hear.
You've made my day. Perverted.
My God, it's nice to know you're appreciated.
Believe me, if you weren't a woman, I could kiss you for that.
Ah!
Don't be a stupid Fuckaire.
FUCKAIRE: Excuse me.
I'm still hungry.
Bring me some eggs!
- Is it ready? - Yes, sir.
The oil is nice and hot?
- Yes, sir. - Let's see.
(SCREAMS)
Keep your finger still, you fool. How else can I read it?
Oh, yes. 230 degrees centigrade.
That's quite hot. Make it hotter.
(SCREAMS)
- Ah, my friend. - (SCREAMS)
Now, my dirty little peasant, are you enjoying my hospitality?
Oh, yeah.
It's my favourite room. You know, I've got a surprise for you.
- For me? - But you must do something for me first.
I want you to entertain your fellow prisoners. They have no entertainment.
So I want you to stand over here and entertain your prisoners in this exact spot.
It has to be exact, you see, because of the light on your face.
Now you entertain your prisoners and then I'm going to give it to you.
You're going to have a surprise.
OK.
What kind of surprise is it? Is it something you can eat?
If you like greasy food, yes.
Now just stand here and please entertain your fellow prisoners. Yes.
What shall I do? Sing, dance, tell a joke...?
It doesn't matter. "Entertain" means all kinds of things.
So you are going to sing, dance, anything. But you must stay in this spot.
And do it quickly while it's still hot. Now give me a chance to get clear.
Can it be a dirty song?
Dirty prison song for these dirty prisoners. Yes. (LAUGHS)
Sing. For God's sake, make sure you are in the right place for the light.
Now sing, sing, sing.
- Can I have a guitar? I'd really get into it. - You don't need a guitar.
You can accompany yourself with your moustache. Yes.
Now come on. Sing your dirty prison song. Now!
Please. Sing it. Sing it, please.
- See, I know another song. - (GROWLS)
You are a bloody imbecile!
All I'm asking you to do is to stand on this spot and sing a song. Any song.
# Allons enfants de la Patrie
# Le jour de gloire est...
(SCREAMS)
FUCKAIRE: You idiot!
(YELLS IN PAIN)
Ow, it's hot! (CONTINUES YELLING)
Oh, my God! It's everywhere! In every orifice!
Such a beautiful song, Fuckaire. You should teach us the words.
(SCREAMS)
- I'm over here, my brother. Over here! - (CONTINUES YELLING)
Easy, easy, my brother. Easy. Easy.
FUCKAIRE: Guards! Guards!
Here it is. Here's your lovely drinking water.
Here, what you doin'? Get off my bucket, will you? What are you sitting on that for?
FUCKAIRE: Guards!
He's done a whoopsy in my water. Well, I can't use that.
FUCKAIRE: Guards! Guards!
I'll have to go and get some more now.
Listen. The horses are in the stables. Meet me at the inn in the village. Now go!
Hey! Over here!
Hello?
OK. Get a horse, go to town.
Who wants to go to town? Come on, we're going to town, big fella. Get a drink.
(CLATTERING AND NEIGHING)
OK, OK! You don't have to go to town.
Just sit there and be cool. Sorry, didn't mean to bother you.
(HORSE SNORTS AND NEIGHS)
Why do they gotta make these horses so big?
God, look at this one! It's an elephant!
Want some peanuts? Nice horse.
Need a nice, little, small... mid-size...
Maybe a little burro. With a saddle already on it.
Hi.
What have you been eatin'?
I like horses. I like them medium rare, with potatoes.
Hi, puppy.
Hi, puppy. Wanna go to town?
Ah, hey, you're nice.
(HORSE URINATES)
Good idea. I'll be right back. Hold on.
Ahhh.
Hey... no!
(GLASS SMASHES)
You got my note!
And I didn't even send it.
WOMAN: Hey, you. Vot are you doing in here?
You're not supposed to be in here.
Don't hide from me. I see you.
You know, you'd be in a lot of trouble if someone else had found you.
Lucky I found you first.
Stand still.
Ja, let me have a look at you.
You know, I've been looking for a stud like you.
You've got a great ass.
You're gorgeous. Mmmm.
I can't wait. You know what?
Tomorrow morning I'm going to sneak out and I'm going to take you for along ride.
I'm going to ride you till you drop.
Then I'm going to find a nice lake.
Then I'm going to bathe you, und massage you.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Und then I'm going to put something on you to keep those horrible flies off you.
(TALKING AND FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE)
Go! Quickly! Quickly.
- (CRUNCH) - (SCREAMS)
Wait. My hanky!
Whoa! Whoa, puppy!
Slow down! Stop!
Stop!
(FINGERS CLICK)
I forgot my hand.
Here, take this. Hurry. Quick. Go. You must go now.
(SLURRED) It's OK, my brother.
Make a run for it. I'll hold 'em off.
- LOUIS: My brother, wait. Wait! - You're lucky, buddy.
- If this had a point on it, you'd be dead. - Wait, these are my friends.
We've been having a drinking contest. Look at all the money I won.
It's OK, he's my brother. It's OK.
Sit down, my brother.
I was worried about you. Where did you go?
I went home. I knew you'd be in trouble, and I went home and got my sword.
Thanks for thinking of me, my brother. Well, come on, have a drink.
I never touch the stuff.
And I wish you wouldn't either.
Cos you're my brother.
You're my brother.
- I love you, you know that? I love you. - And I love you.
Anything I got is yours, you know? I want you to know that.
And everything you have is yours. You understand?
Right, my brother.
That's mine.
Smells like horse. Where'd you get this?
A beautiful lady gave that to me tonight, my brother.
She saw me in the barn and fell instantly in love with me. Poor girl.
You're lying.
Cos the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen in my life gave me this.
She's so gorgeous. And she kissed me.
Well, my brother, I hate to hurt your feelings.
She may have kissed you but she's in love with me.
She told me we're going riding tomorrow.
You're lying.
Don't you ever talk about the woman I love like that.
Stand up.
Now, she's my girl. You got that?
OK, OK. You're right, she's your girl.
No, no.
Don't you say that.
She's my girl.
Don't say "She's my girl."
OK, you're right. She's not your girl, she's my girl.
Ow.
En garde.
A vous!
Hey, come on. This is stupid, now.
- Come on! - Hey, come on. I don't wanna hurt you.
You'll never get close to me. Come on, let's fight now.
I'm not gonna fight you.
- Don't embarrass me. - I'm not gonna embarrass you.
- You got it! - Ow!
That hurt, stupid. Give me that.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Give me that.
Ow! Ow!
Ooh! Ow!
Give me that.
LUCIEN: There she is.
Look, there she is.
- There's two of 'em. - There's two of 'em.
PRINCESS: Phew!
LOUIS: I'm finished.
PRINCESS: Mmm... Ooh... Oh, you do that so good.
- LOUIS: Oh, you like that, huh? - Mm.
I've never had anybody do that for me. Do you think you could do it again?
- LOUIS: Again? - Just a little.
Unless you are tired.
Oh, no. No, I'm not tired.
Oh, good.
I could do this all day. As a matter of fact, that's what I used to do for a living.
I worked for a guy... I mean, I owned a big horse ranch in Mexico.
- Really? - Oh, yeah. We had 10,000 horses.
10,000?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.
Mm. What kind of horses?
Um...
they were brown, mostly brown.
- Hm. - Yeah.
Did you do all the breeding yourself?
Uh... no. We had a horse for that.
I remember one time, my cousin, though...
Oh, never mind.
You know, I can't imagine being with anyone but someone that was into horses.
Yeah, you just got to know how to treat horses.
I mean, a lot of them like to be treated, you know, just, like, really gentle.
- What's that? - Oh, sorry.
It's just my sword. It keeps getting in the way.
- Would you like to see it? - No!
That's OK, because I couldn't show it to you anyway.
My father always told me "Never show your sword unless you intend to use it."
- Anyway, mine's broken. - It's broken?
Yeah. Oh, I've mistreated it for years.
So foolish.
I used to go around sticking it into everything.
Stuck it into watermelons. Just practising.
One day I stuck it into the dirt. Broke the tip off.
Oh, how awful.
It really hurt me.
But that's OK.
- I'm gonna get a new one. - You can get new ones?
That's why I have to get into the castle, cos that's where they keep the good ones.
Yes.
- I need a good, strong one this time. - Oh.
Francois has a really good one.
- But it has to be big. - Oh.
Pierre, yes.
Oh...
but his is too big.
They can never be too big, not if you know what to do with it.
Sometimes if they're big enough all you have to do is show it, and people will run.
Oh, that's what I did.
(HORSE WHINNIES)
I think he really likes you.
Phew!
Nice horsey.
Oh, yeah.
I love horses.
They're really nice.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
I got it. I figured out a way for us to get into the castle.
- Good. How? - OK. See this guy over there?
- The guy in the red? - No, no. The guy over there.
- The cook? - No, not the cook. The guy over there.
What? The guy with the horse? We steal a horse?
- No, not that guy. The guy over there! - What? The guy in the red?
That guy right there!
- That's the famous Marquis Du Hickey. - Yeah?
Legendary lover. Makes Casanova look like a schoolboy.
- He's a trisexual. - A trisexual?
Yeah, he'll try anything. Mud, chickens, anything.
We don't have time for that. We have to get into the castle. It's important.
That's what I'm getting at. Now listen.
Tomorrow he's going to the castle for the Queen's birthday, with his entourage.
We go in with him.
- We would be recognised. - I got that figured out too.
You see this guy behind us?
Yeah.
- The guy with the red hair? - Yeah.
He's the Queen's hairdresser.
He's a Spanish guy, just came from Spain. And anyways, he's queer as a duck.
Oh, no, my brother. I-I just couldn't do that.
I mean, I haven't really been with a woman, let alone a man.
- I-I wouldn't know what to do. - Just listen. See the other guy with him?
- Yes. - That's Nostradamus, the mystic seer.
I'm gonna lure him outside, and then you come after us.
Oh, my brother, I can't. I just couldn't.
- Why? - Just the thought of it makes me sick.
I mean, what do they do? Kiss first? I-I just couldn't. The thought...
Look, I'm gonna lure them outside, and you come after me.
- And then what? - And then you bonk them on the head!
- Oh, I can bonk. - Oh, yeah. Duh, yeah.
But how are you gonna lure 'em outside?
I have my ways. Con permiso.
Tickle your ass with a feather?
Monsieur José.
(SPANISH ACCENT) It's pronounced "José". Gracias.
Ay, Reina.
I so happy to know you. Thank you for inviting us.
What a nice casa you have here.
- Who do your hair? - Oh.
It's OK. I'm going to fix it.
- Gracias por la invitación. - Oh.
It's me. I'll meet you later. I've got to see you.
Gracias por todo. Gracias.
Oh, my darling. I got your message about meeting later.
MAN: Monsieur Nostradamus.
The brothers were not masters of impersonation.
But the strength of their resolve made up for it,
and they soon found themselves comfortably situated in the palace,
at ease with their aristocratic enemies.
They knew the princesses would throw themselves in the path of love
if given the chance.
But even that temptation did not spoil the supreme poise
with which they carried off the masquerade.
Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
Oh, I am so glad I'm here, too. This is so much fun.
- OK, we're going to turn you around. - All right.
- Now, tell me, what is it like in Spain? - Well, honey, that's the end of the world.
Wanna talk about the end of the world, that's the end of the world. It's so hot.
Is it true what they say about the queen of Spain?
- I don't know. What'd they say? - That she's bald.
She bald? (LAUGHS)
Honey, she got more hair on her legs than she got on her head.
- And what about all those lovers? - Oh, God!
They don't call her the frijole for nothing.
She's like a door knob... everybody gets a turn.
- That's a yoke, huh? - Oh, a good yoke.
Yeah. They were gonna name a port of entry after her.
Greetings, my peasant brothers.
I bring good news. The revolution goes well.
Soon I'll be able to free you from your miserable existence.
Take heed, have faith and au revoir.
(GLASS SMASHES)
- Can I ask you a personal question? - Oh, surely.
- Where your daughters' room is? - Oh, my daughters.
They're so lovely. They're just like their father.
Oh. Whatever happened to the king? I don't see him around here never no times.
Well, one day he went hunting with the Fuckaire...
and then he never came home again.
I don't trust that Fuckaire.
He's a sneaky guy.
Well, you have to trust someone.
It's hard being the queen.
I know what you mean. Especially in these pants.
Clear in his purpose, Lucien searched for a weapon strong enough and big enough
to intimidate friend and foe alike.
(LAUGHTER OUTSIDE)
I not lying to you. That's the truth. They were so big.
And she thought she would just put a dress on, nobody would notice them.
She was so stupid. And she didn't tip at all.
- How's that feel? That's OK, the hot air? - Yeah.
- Feels like a night in Málaga, huh? - Mmm.
A nice, hot blow job. Ay, que bueno.
I want to look nice for my... rendezvous with Du Hickey.
You're gonna look special, honey. You're gonna look like you never looked before.
Now you just relax and go to sleep. I give you a little massage, OK?
Now just be quiet and go to sleep.
- My darling, I've been looking all over. - (SHRIEKS)
God, I wish he would be careful!
(SNORES)
Sorry.
God, you scared the shit out of me.
What have you done?
Nothing, man. I was just washing her hair and it all came out.
You've made her look bad. That's good.
It's a small victory, but a big one.
My God.
Why didn't you tell me I looked like this? I look like Fuckaire.
No wonder my peasant brothers won't talk to me.
Who cares if you look like Fuckaire? Help me.
I have to get out of this disguise.
Hurry up, and let's get out of here.
I found them, and they're beautiful.
Good.
Hey, and stop walking into walls. You almost broke my nose that time.
- They're just down the hall from here. - Oh, good.
- Leave her alone. Let's go. - Adiós.
Wait till you see them, my brother.
There's one pair that's just incredible.
- What are you talking about? - Come here.
They're in here.
There they are.
Now if we can just get them off...
Let's get 'em drunk first. Hi, ladies. This is more like it!
Hey, how you doin'?
Do I pass inspection?
LOUIS: Did you ever see a one-eyed trouser snake?
Oh, it must be melon season.
- No, I need it. I need it. I need it. - Non, non.
- LUCIEN: We've been looking for you. - LOUIS: Hey, come here.
- Wait. Wait a minute! - Hey, wait! Hey!
- Wait a minute. We wanna talk to you. - Hey!
- Wait! I can explain! - Hey.
Wait!
La cholita? Where are you?
Come on, baby. I know you're in there.
Come on, baby, don't play hard to get.
I know you want me.
Hey, I want you too.
Why do you think I'm dressed like this?
Hey, baby.
Excuse me, Sister.
Come on, honey, those girls don't mean anything to me.
Ever since you gave me that look this morning, I don't even think of girls.
- All I think of is you. I... - (CAT MEOWS)
Come on, baby. I can take you away from all this... civilisation.
We can run out into the jungles of Mexico and be love savages.
I'll be your king and you'll be my love queen.
We can open a taco stand. Just tell me where you are, little pussycat.
Come on, baby.
Oh, honey, you make me so happy.
Oh. Oh, I want you.
I need you.
I have to have you.
And so you shall, my darling.
(GLASS SMASHES)
Get away from me! I don't like intellectuals. They're too stupid.
Don't be afraid. I'm not an intellectual. I'm a revolutionary.
Don't you know who I am?
Oh. It's you.
Well, then, what were you doing in that room with all those girls?
- I was just looking for my sword. - They had your sword?!
Yes. They were holding it for me.
- They were holding it?! - Yes.
You told me that was my job! (SOBS)
My darling...
Darling, listen to me. Listen to me.
Listen to me.
I've been searching all over for you. Listen, I just want to tell you...
(SCREAMS)
- What's wrong with you? - Nothing, nothing.
I've got so much to tell you. Now listen close.
(SCREAMS)
You're not screaming. Why don't you... Why don't you scream?
That don't hurt! You think that hurts? That don't hurt. Let me down from here.
- Wait, wait. - I'm not supposed to do this. I'm Catholic.
This is worse than the Inquisition.
- Come on, let me down from here. - This one is going to hurt!
Strong men have died before now with this one. This is Montezuma's revenge.
(SCREAMS)
(SHE SOBS)
- Strange. - Is something wrong?
Having fun?
Come on, let me down from here. I'm getting tired from this.
We're going to try it upside down.
I've got to go to the bathroom. Now let me down.
This will stop you going to the bathroom. My God, you're going to feel it this time!
Oh, my God. Why don't you scream?
If you don't let me down, I'm going to give you such a scream. Now let me down!
It's that Fuckaire. He has my brother.
(SCREAMS)
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
It's getting cold in here. You got a blanket or something?
My God, he's inhuman. He's going to be the death of me.
And I'm not even going to enjoy it.
(YELPS)
("CAN-CAN" BY OFFENBACH)
My brother, my brother's in trouble. (SCREAMS)
- (GLASS SMASHES) - Oh, wait!
Don't you want to scream "I'm burning"?
(LUCIEN YELLING IN PAIN)
What took you so long, my brother?
- Get away from him. He's mine! - (SCREAMS)
I hit you and he screams?
Ah! Nostradamus! Join the party, we need some new blood. So glad to see you.
- You kissed me! - You got the whip. It's my turn.
Yuck!
- What took you so long, my brother? - Fix my feet. Do my ankles, please.
I like the ankle straps with these shoes.
Thank you. Thank you. Would you... Could you please do up the other one?
Oh, you're so kind. Yes, that's it, nice and tight. (GROANS)
That's beautiful, beautiful.
Now whip me.
- Whip you? - Yeah.
- Yeah, sure, I'll whip you. - No, my brother. We don't have time.
- You have time! - We must go free my people.
You got another party tied up somewhere else?
I'll join the other party. But don't go, please. Please!
No, whip me! You can have a quick whip-round. Please.
Guards! Stop them, they're escaping. They haven't whipped me. Guards!
- Let's get out of here. This place is weird. - Where are those guards?
- There are no guards. Let's go. - No. We must fight our way out of this.
- We must fight our way to freedom. - We can't fight here.
You're right. We can't fight here... not here... fight down here.
Right here. This is the place to fight. This way, our back is protected.
What are you talking about? Let's get out of here. Come on, there's nobody here.
Guards, get out here and fight! Come on, get out here, you cowards!
- Go back! It's a mistake. - Come, come.
- No, don't run! Come back and fight! - No! Run! Go back to sleep!
- Come, fight! - No, no! Go on back. No, go away!
- Come on, cowards, let's fight! - No. Let's not fight, let's kiss.
- Go back! - There they are.
- Please, my darling, go back. - I've been looking all over for you.
- OK. Don't hurt her. Don't hurt her. - Oh, how charming.
(GASPS) Ow!
We give up.
FUCKAIRE: Guards! Guards!
Where the hell were you?!
Call yourselves guards?
(FUCKAIRE LAUGHS)
So, my friends, we have caught you, eh?
And you wouldn't beat me, eh?
So now I'm going to whip you to death.
You may whip us, Fuckaire,
but you'll never beat us.
Corsican brothers!
My friends, at last you must learn...
ne fuc pas avec mois!
To the dungeons with them!
Don't worry, my brother. They can't stop men who want to be free.
- Oh, Mother, your hair! - (SHRIEKING)
I told you never to call me "Mother"!
Yes, I can see it, my brother.
- What is it? - I can see the Big Dipper.
- The Big Dipper? - Yes, I can.
And I can see Venus. And I can see the Moon.
All I see is your anus.
It's out there, my brother.
Yes. We're in luck.
Because if that's the Big Dipper, that means the North Star is...
Let's see, you take the bottom star from the cup, you align it with the handle, and...
You know what I see? I see a big idiot standing in front of me.
Why do we always stay and fight? Why couldn't we escape when we had chance?
My brother, there are some things that you cannot run away from.
If this revolution is to survive, men like me must fight.
Even though the cause is hopeless,
we must fight to free our brothers from the chains of oppression.
What brothers are you talking about?
The only brothers I see around here is me.
And all you do is get us caught.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe you're the only guy in the revolution?
You know, like, where's your followers, huh?
Hey! Would you follow him into a revolution?
Of course not. Cos you got half a brain. So who's following him?
(IMITATES DONKEY)
I've got an idea. Quick, take off your clothes.
Hey, wait a minute. We're brothers.
No, take off your clothes.
Hey, you haven't been in jail that long.
This should be enough rope.
If we're gonna hang ourselves, let me go first.
I'm tired and hungry. And I'm cold, too.
If I could just think of a way to get through those bars.
Ow!
Hey, watch out up there!
It's amazing.
This French bread gets stale, it gets as hard as a rock.
Ow! So what?
This just might be the tool we've been looking for.
(CLINKING)
I think I can get through now, my brother.
I did it! OK, throw me the rope.
- Hold on tight, my brother. - OK.
I smell freedom.
I smell... I smell food.
Must be imagining things.
Huh?
Chicken! Oh...
Oh! Oh! Wait!
(GURGLES)
But Lucien was not a man to forget his brother.
He remembered how they had loved and cherished each other
through the long years of separation.
How deeply the fate of one had always affected the other.
And his loyalty strengthened his heroic resolve.
And so, for his beloved brother Louis,
Lucien prepared to draw together his peasant followers
and bring an end to oppression forever.
Hey!
Come here, my brothers. The time has come.
Listen to me. We have been living like miserable dogs long enough.
(CHEERING)
We must fight to take back what is ours.
And tear down this miserable government and replace it with our own people.
Are you with me?
I said, are you with me?
All right. Let's organise and fight!
Enough!
Now, today is a special occasion.
Today we have the 5,000th execution this month.
I'm very grateful to all you dirty peasants
for putting your heads together to increase productivity.
And for this special occasion,
we have a special execution.
None other than that disgusting, drivelling, dirty peasant,
the Corsican brother.
(CROWD GROANS)
Perhaps, you dirty peasant, you would like to say a last word?
Fuckaire, the only thing I want to say...
is you've kept me in a dungeon, and you beat me,
and you tortured me,
and you even kissed me! Urgh!
And I want these people to know
that the only thing you've really done
is made me really, really hungry!
And that's not nice to do to a Mexican. I'm supposed to get a last meal.
I never got a last meal. I'd even eat French food.
Thank you for those kind words. Nice to know we have another satisfied customer.
Oh, look, there's ants in that basket.
My only regret on this wonderful afternoon
is that the other Corsican brother, the revolutionary, is already dead.
Nothing would give me greater pleasure
than he should witness the death of his dirty br... Agh!
- Fuckaire! - (LAUGHTER)
I must have merde a la tete! The dead Corsican.
I accept your invitation.
His dirty brother shall not escape.
Execute him!
You dirty peasants, don't touch me! Keep away. Don't touch me.
You can kick me if you like, but don't touch me.
Argh!
How dare you? We're just about to get to the part where we laugh and laugh.
(MOUTHS)
I've had enough! En garde!
Take the other one. This one is mine!
(GUARD LAUGHS)
I've got you!
(SPLINTERING)
No! (SCREAMS)
Oh, to be sure! (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Fuckaire.
- Oh, there you are. - You're finished.
So, you Corsican dog! You troublemaker.
Why couldn't you let me kill you quietly at the guillotine?
You had to make revolutionary speeches.
You turned my beloved dirty peasants against me!
One more execution, that was all I needed for the record.
You spoiled my fun.
Well, my friend, from now on you will find I am no longer Mr Nice Guy!
Oh, look at that! What is it?
Can I have it?
Oh, that's wonderful!
So, anyway, the princess said
"Is that a wart in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
So it came to pass that France was delivered from tyranny
and emerged into a new age of freedom.
The evil Fuckaire had perished, as was just.
And of Lucien and Louis it may be fairly said
that theirs was a most special destiny.
# If I could be the one you love
# if you would let this dream come true
# Then I would ask for nothing more
# But to live life loving you
Oh! I'm so excited! I've never been married before.
Don't do that.
I'm gonna get pregnant right away.
How long is this going to take? I have a riding lesson.
Where is that brother of yours anyways?
Boy, his swinging days are over. I'm gonna cut his rope right off.
- I think I need a drink. - Vait. You can just vait. Back.
- You're just going to have to train him. - Yes.
We'll go to the opera, the ballet, to the theatre.
I'll have him take dancing and singing and elocution.
I'm going to change the way he walks, the way he talks, the way he eats,
his clothes, his pants,
his jacket, his hair.
Oh, I have lots of work to do.
Yes. We'll go shopping.
- And to Paris, to visit Mother... - (CACKLES)
Hey, Louis!
Let's get out of here!
And so the Corsican brothers escaped from the pages of history.
- Thanks, brother. - Let's go to America, start a revolution!
All right! I'm with you!
(FEEDBACK)
One... two...
# As I got on the city bus and found a vacant seat
# I thought I saw my future bride walkin' down the street
# I shouted to the driver "Hey, conductor, you must slow down"
# "I think I see her. Please let me off this bus."
# Nadine
# Honey, is that you?
# Oh, Nadine
# Honey, is that you?
# Seems like every time I catch up with you, you got something else to do
# I saw her from the corner and she turned and doubled back
# She was stepping towards a coffee-coloured Cadillac
# Movin' through the crowd tryin' to get to where she's at
# I was campaign shouting like a Southern diplomat
# Oh, Nadine
# Honey, is that you?
# Oh, Nadine
# Baby, where are you?
# Seems like every time I catch up with you, you got something else to do
# Downtown lookin' for her, lookin' all around
# Saw her get into a yellow cab and take her to town
# Caught a loaded taxi, paid up everybody's tab
# Tipped a $20 bill, told him "Catch that yellow cab"
# Oh, Nadine
# Honey, is that you?
# Oh, Nadine
(MIMICS ELVIS) # Say, baby, is that you?
# Seems like every time I catch up with you, you got something else to do
Play it, baby. Take it, Chong.
# Well, she moves around like a wayward summer breeze
# "Go, go on, driver, go on, catch her for me, please"
# Moving through the traffic like a mounted cavalier
# Leanin' out that taxi window tryin' to get that girl to hear
# Oh, Nadine
# Honey, is that you?
# Aaahhh, Nadine
# Oh, baby, is that you?
# Seems like every time I catch up with you, you got something else to do
# Nadine!
# Baby, is that you?
("NADINE" INSTRUMENTAL VERSION)